you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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