The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
