You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize