I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
