We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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