DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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