Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
