It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
