kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
