just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
