Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
