Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Hippo gnu deer
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Randomize