using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
