White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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