this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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