just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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