and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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