I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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