mondays should just be called national damage control day
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
