She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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