Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
