My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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