i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
