He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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