a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
