How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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