Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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