I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
