I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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