We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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