Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
