You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
