Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
