Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
