The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
