It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
