I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He? As in you personified your dick?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
