i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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