DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
