And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
