remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Randomize
