if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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