I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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