is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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