So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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