I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
