I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
