you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
