I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
