just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
