i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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