hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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