I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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