So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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