Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
