I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i out mim tonsoeep
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