She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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